I want to be with you

Posted on by skeptikokyy

I want to be with you, not because my solitariness is unbearable, but on the contrary it was my sanctuary. My temple where I found God to meet with me, where he came and tabernacled with my innermost being. And I want to share with you how I met him and how he, graciously, marvelously and compassionately moved within me and brought great joy. It is this joy I want to share with you.

I want to be with you to share the dark winter nights when it is cold and hostile. To be the one that would light up the fire inside you and keep it burning even if the flame is low. I want to be warmth in the coldest of nights, bringing you smiles.

I want to be with in in the spring time when flowers bloom. I want to be the one to walk with you hand in hand by the riverside among lilies and daisies. Exploring the forests and woodlands as we reminiscence of the past winters. I want to hold your hand as we walk into the sunset by the parks.

Why do I doubt You?

Posted on by skeptikokyy

Dear God

You know I want to believe then I doubt, its like I do not know how to trust. My mother taught me you were real and that you were the Rock of our lives. I remember the revivals when I was young and how I used to feel you, how I used to feel your power, your love and grace. I now weep myself to sleep, asking you for a sign and then there is nothing even after the 99th time. I say I want to see you, they tell me after when I die.

I remember when I was young, you would commune with me frequent. You would let me know how you cared and how you wanted me to grow up and be like Jesus. Now all I feel is heavy weights on my shoulders of the burdens I have carried for years. Reflections of how you used to lift me high and say you your telling me I am your beloved have grown dim. I sometimes ask myself was that all real, was it a dream, did it die or is it alive somewhere in the sky? Sometimes I am in front of crowds telling people all about you, but inside I feel like I doubt you, questioning myself do I really mean it?

I want to doubt you because of the pain I have endured. Never has a day passed when I have had a moment of respite. Never was I allowed to rest. The tormentors who violated me got away with it whilst you looked, you saw and let them be. Ever was I reminded that I was alien to love and inferior for acceptance by my captors, you saw me in that state and left me. But did you really leave me? Did you walk away? You are the one who rescued me. You are the one who came to set me free from the chains too strong for me, from bands too powerful for my soul. But my Lord, why did it take long? What caused you to wait while I languished in pain? This makes me want to doubt.

Now I see the evil ones are heroes who flourish while I, I am still in the chains of my heart. I tried to emulate them but your chiding hand was heavy on me. And yet I tire of being a prisoner within myself, brooding self-hate like a filthy pool inhabiting all that is vile and feeling disgust for myself. What kind of cruelty is that? I thought, I am neither accepted in heaven or welcome in hell. I am only me, and I am alone. The outcast. Diminished in my soul, and the fire in me is flickering low, till the soul in me dies.

Why do I doubt you? You are the only one who has ever looked at me with eyes of mercy when I failed. All else snickered and found it amusing that I should fall. Some even called for my head and that I should be done away with. Only you have ever looked at me with affection. Why am I doubting you? Was it because you stopped? Was it because I was a shifty, moody creature? You have confirmed and boasted about me to so many others, remind me of that again. Talk to me as in the days of old. Perhaps doubting you a bit has pushed me to see you clearly at last. If I doubt you, to whom will I turn to? Help me return to that first trust I had when I first believed. Let’s walk together into the new age, age of trust and communion.

Yours in seeking,
Christian

Winters not seen

Posted on by skeptikokyy

As the dimness of the fading sun grows
We retire to our empty souls, its light burning low
The bitterest winds sweep across the soul’s lands
Trees stripped naked like merchants by robbers’ hands.
Weary from the toil of the day, respite we miss,
But none finds it like a stranger’s kiss.
Joyless smiles and distant graves of lovers lost
When their touch and care is what we miss most.
When gloomy mornings hangs over our heads
and we dread to get out of our beds
When the long watches of the night
Are not relieved by the sun’s might
Even though long cheerless days are about to begin
Alas, we know all that is dark and cold lies within

The World Is Not Enough

Posted on by skeptikokyy

A remember a while ago thinking to myself why do I keep feeling these promptings and desires that, no matter what I do, I cannot run away from nor can I apprehend through power of personal discipline. Being pious does not expel the desires yet indulging seems shallow. It was at the back end of it all when I had an epiphany of the truth that I have carried for years.

I spend most of my time in my brain because I have seen how people judge your feelings and thoughts, highlighting your shortcomings and putting the spotlight on where you have failed. This causes us to live somewhere between loneliness and despair, and if we are lucky just in doubt. What sad sad state that is, the major question which sprung in me was “why do I react thus in situations where I feel judged (sometimes rightfully so)?”. When I read this quote on doing some research on love I was wowed by the insight. I instantly knew what the author was going for. Here it is;

“At issue here is the question: “To whom do I belong? God or to the world?” Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.

As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love. These “ifs” enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain “hooked” to the world-trying, failing,and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

This reminder releases from trying to please the world and running back into bondage, and this is very hard. I have to keep reminding myself that the world is not enough to give me identity and purpose hence I shouldn’t rely on it for significance. Th world is just not enough. I hope this will be a blessing to you too.

The God of Patience (Patience of God)

Posted on by skeptikokyy

2Peter 3v9: The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

This verse has been painted beautiful in my mind by the Bible and knowing the character of God. God indeed does not want anyone to perish and gives periods of repentance so that we may turn to him and “agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you” Job22v21.

So the story as I understand it starts with Cain. I heard a quote “the sin of the first man caused the second to kill the third”. Why? Cain was filled with envy so much that God told him that he was in a precarious position and asked him why he was sad. God even asked a question that he didn’t answer, he was asked if you do well won’t you be accepted? My thinking is he didn’t answer because he had made up his mind about killing his brother. He them went ahead and did it. From then you read of how he build a city (God made man a garden and man makes himself a city), you read of his genealogy with nothing much except that you are told of his descendant Lamech who also kills someone for wounding him. Incidentally, Tubal Cain Lamech’s son by Zillah starts making instruments of bronce and iron. Could these be the first weapons?

Cain’s lineage does not paint a clear positive picture. Cain later had a brother named Seth. Seth had a son Enosh and at that time people began to call upon the name of the Lord. This seems like a new lineage different to one of Cain. This lineage is detailed with how old people lived and what ages they had children. Parenthetical thought: I still cant visualise people living that old but the point is people died, why cause of Adam’s obedience. At this point we meet Methuselah, whose name means “when he dies it will happen”. Methuselah is the longest living human being known. This is an important bit of information because you start to see the picture of God’s patience coming out clearer. Hold the thought of Methuselah being oldest living being.

As you read the story further, you encounter man’s depravity and rebellion against God. God’s heart was grieved bu man’s conduct because the thought of his heart was only evil continually. As a result God regretted that he made man and wanted to destroy them, but Noah found grace in God’s eyes because he was blameless in his generation. So God tells Noah to build an ark of gopher wood and gave him instructions of how to save animals. and when Noah was 600 years the flood came.

Now doing the maths from Gen 5 we realise that Methuselah was 393 when Noah his grandson was born. Add 600 years of Noah’s age when it started to rain, we get 969 years. That is the year Methuselah died. Methuselah’s name means “when he dies it will happen”, and the flood was that event that happened. How patient is God that he would wait so long, giving people a chance to repent but they would not. We usually teach Noah’s story as a kids story and we need to go further and highlight God’s patient in dealing with us. This type of patience is divine, wonderful, beautiful, holy and stirs up my heart and makes me bold to share God’s patience more. This longsuffering of God is beyond my mind and is seen with the heart. Let us not take it for granted.

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Romans 2v4

Why we love

Posted on by skeptikokyy

To ask why we love, is to ask why water is wet.
Perhaps there is a better question.
Why do we love?
To fulfill that which was given us from the beginning
To preserve ourselves from the dark and evil
To humble ourselves from egos and successes that preceed us
To bind our families with cords beyond us
And the ultimate question is, whose love are you fighting for?

Inspired by World of Warcraft

The Tyger by William Blake

Posted on by skeptikokyy

William Blake is one of my favorite poets. Simply because of the thoughts that he thought were contemplative and language very very rich. Here is one of my favorites by him
Tyger Tyger, burning bright, 
In the forests of the night; 
What immortal hand or eye, 
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies. 

Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain, 
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp, 
Dare its deadly terrors clasp! 
When the stars threw down their spears 
And water’d heaven with their tears: 
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger Tyger burning bright, 
In the forests of the night: 
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Lost Love Pt1

Posted on by skeptikokyy

What becomes of a man rejected, who never sees a smile of approval or kiss of affirmation? Does he live only to become an example of what not to be? Lost love Pt 1 is a story of a man who feels defeated by life and how that affects his relationship with his closest life companion.

He had never taken a second to look at the mirror,
and see the hell beast he had become
Worst of all dragging her with him because
only death could do them part like wedding rings.
Was there no pill, no medicine or cure for his sorrows?
Once his energy was contagious, lighting up rooms with his electric smile.
He used to be her lifespring, the light, the sun and the moon. 
He was the lover, the brother, the friend
the confidant in dark matters and cheerleader in victories
He was ever there in the joy and the pain.
Now he was a General in the Army of Detachment
ruling over all that mop and wallow because they lost their heart beats
Man of her dreams was now a nightmare.
He was struggling, torn by inner suffering
and tormented by regret and fear of what it could have been
Everyday weighed on his mind, more troubling than one in front of it
He used to have hope for the future,
all that is left in crawling up and revel in grief and regret.

She stood and stared hard thinking
if this was a dream of something randomly real.
Disowned by the very man who swore his eternal love.
She could hardly remember the last time she looked at his face and shared smiles
Seemed his life stormed pain and torrents of hate,
like his body was a prison and heaven could wait.
He chose to stay distant because loneliness has a way to keep you company
Too set in his ways while regret eroded his love.
She would try to touch his hand and remind him ‘love conquers all’
but it only seemed to spawn the inner demons raging with hate.
The only thing that filled her heart was regret because hate is hard to forgive
Thoughts of battering her life for peace couldn’t leave her alone
Even when she started to reflect when he lost him
Recollecting all the times they had when the sun was high
Agony of the soul was the only sensation that permeated her being.
She knew that nobody’s life was really perfect
but sometimes would wonder if all the pain was really worth it.
Pondering living in this curse she was given, dreaming about liberty escaping her prison
Her relationship was lifeless and she vicariously lived through imaginary children
She wanted to slip into a coma and wake up years later
to find her fortunes change, to find her man a new one engaging and loving
She just wanted a new day for her lost love, 
that new sun that shines and the world lives again

 

Remember, Always Remember

Posted on by skeptikokyy

Disclaimer: This is meant as a quasi-life update and my view for 2016

As I have reflected on 2016 and what I want of it, I have been plummeted by many thoughts. Some of dreams and aspirations that I want to reach for this year, some of regrets and fears because the world feels bigger than I can take, and some of plateau type of thought about how to just live an average life and not aspire too much. Well here are some of those from each.

Dreams and Aspirations
I cannot recall writing down new year’s resolution, primarily because I do not believe in the turn of the clock to change me and secondarily because I tend to write things that are quite important throughout the year and therefore if such thoughts fall on a new year I wouldn’t necessary think of them as “new year’s resolution” but just a normal thing. This year I decided to write such thoughts which coincided with the festive season and here they are;

  1. Grow in my christianity: Sometime in August last year I heard a story of how a certain person, a christian had struggled with belief till they were tempted to let go. By God’s grace they didn’t and now they travel the world sharing the story of God. I found myself in a barren land, constantly thinking there is more surely than just chugging through the daily struggle. I realised that I felt clueless about joining this life and the next. It was at that moment I was convinced I had to expand my knowledge of God and deepen my relationship with Him. Slowly this has been filling my horizon and growing deeper and now I am getting more comfortable with not being in control of the future though I struggle with it.
  2. Align myself with my bigger job vision: I currently have a job in a harsh economy and I am very grateful, I thank God for that. Lately I have been thinking about tying my education and path I am walking in with regards to job. This has made me ask myself how do I tie the two together? Also I want to work as a biomedical engineer at some point, this year next year or two years that is what I am working towards. I want to start aligning myself towards the bigger picture in both work and life vision. Afterall, I seem to find in the Bible God created man and put him in a garden to work it, my question to myself is where is the garden I need to work?
  3. Get a life partner: I am going to be actively looking for a life partner unashamedly. Most of the times when I share this with people I end up feeling part-inadequate, part-desperate with a dash of inadequacy. Some friends make this to sound like my sole purpose in life having rushed over the first two statements I mentioned. I believe in seeking the Kingdom of God first, and I am. Next I believe God will aid me in getting a life partner. This I am doing with prayer and wisdom from the Bible as I can see it. And I am open to suggestions how one goes about it here.
  4. Travel: I like travelling. I like the feeling of transitioning from one place to another as I align my thoughts. I want to travel to a place I have not been or have not been in a while. Travel maybe to sit by the sea and listen to the waves crash, or sit on a rock overlooking a plain and let my imagination run wild. It is at these times that i feel close to nature and I want that.
  5. Help someone significantly: this does not mean one individual but means I am willing to step out and help those who may not necessary deserve it. This could be from small things to life situations but significance is the key. I am not saying this to gather glory for self but because I have been thinking about those one another verses in the Bible.

Fears
There are times in my life when I look at the world and I want to shrink back to my room with my Bible and never leave there. Recently, it has been the increasing number of people who seem they have things to say regarding my life but do not want to commune with me regularly. It greatly disappoints me and makes me sad. One thing I told myself is this year I want to get rid of fears. I am tired of being cynical, trodden down by people’s thoughts about, fearing I am not good enough, tired of almost losing hope at every turn when someone criticizes me. I want to leave them behind and also see the best in people. I know we can all be selfish, careless and life is a fight, but I will choose to see the good and with the bad I will acknowledge and move on.

Remember, always remember life is fragile and a gift. Live it to the full and love with all you have. Two weeks ago, I picked a kid up and they looked straight in my eyes and they told me I was a good guy. I held back my tears cause I had forgotten the simple things in life, the kind words, the gentle smile, the soft touch, the wonder and sublimity we carried should always be remembered. I never get tell my family I love but I do, so I remind myself to remember. ALWAYS REMEMBER.

Embrace the emotions

Posted on by skeptikokyy

Today I buried my last grand parent and I wept bitterly,
only to be consoled by my mother.
No friend was with me, no companion
I was confronted by loneliness and abandonment.
It stung, it hurt, it twisted me within till that last moment of despair
I realised “who have I in heaven but him”.
My mom told me “take comfort my child, celebrate her life”
No longer was I dejected and alone,
but embraced by the woman who gave me life
and telling me it was all a gift, when I was sad cause i thought it a right
We are often too afraid to acknowledge our emotions
sometimes it is our vocabulary that fails us.
We live lives of quiet loneliness and desperation.
Hiding from ourselves and from those around us.
Afraid to tell people how we feel because we may be rejected.
Afraid to hurt because we may not be consoled.
Afraid to be happy because we may celebrate alone.
Afraid to laugh because we may do so by ourselves.
We need to cease to be afraid and embrace these emotions
which are a gift from God.