A remember a while ago thinking to myself why do I keep feeling these promptings and desires that, no matter what I do, I cannot run away from nor can I apprehend through power of personal discipline. Being pious does not expel the desires yet indulging seems shallow. It was at the back end of it all when I had an epiphany of the truth that I have carried for years.
I spend most of my time in my brain because I have seen how people judge your feelings and thoughts, highlighting your shortcomings and putting the spotlight on where you have failed. This causes us to live somewhere between loneliness and despair, and if we are lucky just in doubt. What sad sad state that is, the major question which sprung in me was “why do I react thus in situations where I feel judged (sometimes rightfully so)?”. When I read this quote on doing some research on love I was wowed by the insight. I instantly knew what the author was going for. Here it is;
“At issue here is the question: “To whom do I belong? God or to the world?” Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.
As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love. These “ifs” enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain “hooked” to the world-trying, failing,and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen
This reminder releases from trying to please the world and running back into bondage, and this is very hard. I have to keep reminding myself that the world is not enough to give me identity and purpose hence I shouldn’t rely on it for significance. Th world is just not enough. I hope this will be a blessing to you too.
skeptikokyy 